


But You're Not Here

by knitsweaters



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, M/M, VictUuri, except they're not soulmates oops
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-23
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-09-19 08:31:22
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9430160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/knitsweaters/pseuds/knitsweaters
Summary: Sometimes, it's hard for Yuuri to remember that Victor was never his soulmate.(Note: Soulmate!AU where your soulmate ring turns from silver to gold with close proximity. 3 rules, however:1. Both soulmates's rings must be present in the moment of close proximity in order for the rings to change color. They don't have to be worn.2. If your soulmate dies before you meet them, you start to vanish - literally.3. The harder you fall for someone who’s not your soulmate, the faster you vanish.)





	

 

10:02AM - Yuuri’s first sight when he wakes up is always the alarm clock Victor had bought him when he first moved in with him in St. Petersburg. Of course it’s never done a great deal of helping him wake up on time since he forgets to set the alarm in the first place, but if anything, it makes him smile first thing in the morning because it reminds him of Victor and his clumsy ideas and even clumsier estimations of Yuuri’s circadian rhythm.

“You’ll get used to it, I promise,” Victor had said about their 5am exercise regimes. To no one’s surprise, Yuuri hadn’t.

A fond smile spreads across his lips at the warm memory of Victor tugging him out of bed by his leg most mornings, and Yuuri burrows the side of his face into the pillow under his head with a laugh. It doesn’t smell like Victor anymore, but Yuuri lingers a couple minutes longer before he exhales in a quiet sigh and peels himself from the cozy bed. His husband would be so proud of how much he’s shortened the length of time between his moment of consciousness and the moment he actually gets up from bed. Some days, he only needs a minute before he’s up and brushing his teeth. Before meeting Victor, mornings had been so difficult. Maybe that’s what his husband had meant about his wake-up routines getting better. The longer you embed something into your system, the easier it gets for your body to move without waiting for your mind to catch up. Yuuri stands in front of the bathroom mirror with this thought, a toothbrush in one hand and a cup in the other as he gargles and spits into the sink. There are no more towels on the rack, so Yuuri wipes his mouth with his sleeve and walks out to the living room. It’s a Saturday; he should really do the laundry. He knows he shouldn’t forget this, so Yuuri grabs a post-it and pen from the small wooden table beside the sofa and scribbles a quick “Laundry” onto it before sticking it on the refrigerator door. His eyes trail to one that Victor had written a while ago - “03/18/16: Order dog food (grass-fed beef this time)” and then another.

“I love you, Katsuki Yuuri.”

His eyes glaze over the sky blue post-it and Yuuri’s smile fades a bit. The corners are fuzzy and the layers of tape across the top edge of the square sheets are opaque instead of mimicking the color of the refrigerator, so Yuuri conveniently grabs a roll of tape from the lower shelf in the kitchen and rips out two pieces, this time placing them on the left and right ends of the post-it. That should keep it in place. After running his fingers across once more to press down the tape for good measure, Yuuri heads to the kitchen where he sets the espresso machine brewing.

As the scent of finely ground beans wafts into Yuuri’s nose, he leans back into the kitchen counter, eyes following the minuscule drip-drops of bitter espresso trailing out of the machine that Victor had never bothered to use until Yuuri had asked him about it. It’s too nice of a day to drink his coffee black, so Yuuri fills the rest of his cup with milk and sticks it under the steam wand. It’s probably the wrong way to make a caffe latte, but Victor had never taught him how to use his espresso machine and convenience overrules regimen in most aspects of his life anyway. What works most naturally to Yuuri is what works best after all. Today, the spring sun is shining through the tall windows and onto the dining table so Yuuri sits with his mug in front of him and a book to go with it. There is a piece of paper sticking out of the side of the book, and because it feels natural to do so, Yuuri flips to the marked page.

The book is nothing special, just something that Victor would pick up from time to time when he couldn’t fall asleep after Yuuri had gone to bed. It was in Russian so Yuuri had never read through it himself, and he doesn’t plan on reading it anytime soon. What he wants to read today is the words on the sheet of paper now in his hand. Unfolding the thin letter, Yuuri reads:

 

_My lovely Yuuri,_

_As the days I stay by your side grow in number, I realize that I am a very jealous person. I watch you sleep tonight and think to myself such silly thoughts that constantly remind me of how much in love I am with you._

 

The steam from the hot coffee trails between Yuuri and the letter in his hand as he brings the mug to his lips to take a tentative sip. It scalds his tongue a little, so he sets it back on the table as he continues down the frayed paper.

 

_Yuuri, I am jealous. I am jealous of the blankets on our bed that hug you to sleep each night and embrace you warmly each morning. I am jealous of the sunlight that falls through the window to kiss your sleepy forehead, and I’m so jealous of the pillow that catches your beautiful yawns, that you press your soft cheek into._

_I am jealous of the coffee mug that kisses your lips each morning, your glasses that sit on the bridge of your nose and gaze into your beautiful eyes. I am so jealous of Makkachin, whom you smile at so brightly despite your grogginess._

_I am jealous of all the things your fingers brush over through the course of the day, and at night, I am jealous of the roof over your head that watches you fall asleep._

 

Yuuri’s vision blurs for a second, and when he blinks to let the tears fall, Victor’s handwriting is clear again.

 

_Katsuki Yuuri, I am jealous of your phone, which you hold against your ear and speak softly to many times a day. I am jealous of whoever is on the receiving end of your calls, because the sound of your gentle voice is something that not enough people treasure. I become so jealous when I think about the time and places you will continue to live in after I am gone, because I know I cannot stay with you longer. I’m sure you knew as well. Isn’t that why you told me that you wanted to end things after the Grand Prix was over? But Yuuri, you were so wrong about everything. I could never stop loving you, even if you were to say that you didn’t want to be with me anymore. You were the one who put the ring on my finger, did you forget? When you date a man whose actions speak louder than his words, you learn to listen to his heart. I know you bought gold rings for us because it hurt to watch our soulmate ones remain silver every time we were together. It was an illusion we created for ourselves. Despite knowing that we never were and never could be each others’ soulmates, we fell in love and there was nothing we could do about it._

 

Tears spill over Yuuri’s eyes despite how many times he’s read this letter before, despite it being 2 years since Victor has died. The world is cruel - anyone whose soulmate passes before they meet starts to vanish, and the harder he falls for someone who is not his soulmate, the faster he disappears. With Victor, it had been small things at first, like his eyes blanking out on him or his hair thinning, but eventually he’d had to give up skating and Yuuri couldn’t hold him in his arms anymore. Victor just ghosted out of his life, fading slowly, until one morning, Yuuri had woken up to an empty house. Even Makkachin had known that Victor was gone, because he refused to eat or move after that. He passed not too long after.

What makes it worse it that Victor would probably say he would choose to be the target of drunken Yuuri at the fateful banquet they met if he were given a second chance at that night. Because he’s stupid. Because he’s Victor. Because honestly, Yuuri loves the Victor who would make that kind of decision. But Yuuri wouldn’t do it again. He wouldn’t drink a second time at that banquet, would never approach Victor at all. Maybe he’d even try to look for his soulmate. Maybe it wouldn’t matter what he did because Victor would have started to vanish anyway.

A sob escapes Yuuri’s lips, and he puts down the letter as he cries into his damp sleeves because he knows what the rest Victor’s words are. The coffee in his mug cools as Yuuri continues to struggle under the lashes of sorrow crashing in waves over his heart, and the sun’s warm rays don’t help at all in comforting him. The tears won’t stop today either it seems. It’s always on the beautiful days that Yuuri hurts the most.

 

 

_Yuuri, that is why I will always be jealous of your first love, and jealous of your last. I will be jealous of the one who was supposed to be yours, even though I know that person means nothing to you._

_And on the days that it rains, Yuuri, I will be jealous of the umbrella that gets to shield you. When spring comes, I will be jealous of the flowers that bloom just to see your face and come autumn, I will be jealous of the leaves that fall on your shoulders and cling to you all the way home. In the winter, I will be jealous of the mittens that keep your hands warm._

_I will always be jealous of all your thoughts that aren’t about me, but Yuuri, don’t think about me too much. I’ll be jealous of the tears that get to caress your pretty face. It pains me that I cannot leave you as beautifully as you came to me, but I hope your sadness only lasts a short while. Although we were never soulmates, I believe that there couldn’t have been a greater romance in my life than the one I shared with you. Thank you for loving me back, Yuuri, and please smile for me. Please be happy. And remember that I love you so much. I love you, Yuuri, more than you’ll ever know._

 

_We’ll meet again someday, I believe we were meant to be - if not in this life then in the next. So please find me again, Yuuri. I will be waiting for you._

 

_Love, Victor_

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I like to think in my head that Phichit was Yuuri's original soulmate, and that Phichit first notices when he meets Yuuri in Detroit. Yuuri ends practice later on the first day and when he takes a shower, he removes his ring and leaves it on top of his clothes. Phichit, who had finished showering earlier comes back to the stalls because he forgot his jacket and ring and when he puts it on, he yelps in pain. The ring on his finger glows hot and then gold - that's when he notices the gold ring sitting atop the Japanese skater's clothes. He hadn’t known his soulmate would be a guy, and he can’t get over the shock so he immediately takes off the ring and leaves. After that, he can't figure out the right timing to tell Yuuri, so he continues to leave his ring at home. Yuuri’s ring wouldn’t glow as long as Phichit didn’t have his near him anyway. After that, he couldn’t figure out if he liked Yuuri because he knew that they were soulmates or because he genuinely liked him, so he misses his timing there, too. Then they return to their home rinks and Phichit feels comfortable knowing that Yuuri thinks of him as a good friend. He doesn't even know that Victor had met Yuuri, and that their fate was starting to unravel. When he figures out that Yuuri is in love with Victor, he swears to never speak a word of being his soulmate because he wants Yuuri to be happy - to be with the one he loves.
> 
> That's my depressing headcanon for this soulmate!au that I can't bring myself to write. Maybe I'll go through with it on a future date but for now, let's just leave it in its concentrated glory here in the notes.  
> p.s. Thank you you-know-who for the inspiration! I stole the line "I am jealous of the coffee mug that kisses your lips each morning".


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